I'll Set Things Right
by Artemis08Luna
Summary: Bruce kept bothering you about it so you finally start journaling. You just need an outlet, a way to process your thoughts... your grief. After all, it was your fault Pietro died.
1. Dear Ew No, I Can't Call You Diary

_Dear Diary,_

 _It's been three months since Pietro died._

 _This is stupid, right? This whole writing thing? Man, I don't know. Bruce thinks it'll will be therapeutic for me... Jack shit. He isn't even a real psychiatrist or therapist or even a counselor. Just a buddy willing to listen (or fall asleep) to Tony's ranting vent that Bruce somehow got it into his head that that makes him qualified. Whatever, I'm just humoring him so he'll get off my case. Least it's better than Steve's tactic: "Yeah, here. Just draw what you feel."_

 _Diary, here's the thing. Oh, ew. No, I can't just call you "Diary." Sounds pretentious and gross. I should name you. Let's call you Peter so I can pretend my best friend's actually here and not in some snot-nosed British university 'cause he got a freaking hundred-percent scholarship._

 _Peter, here's the thing. If I write what I feel, you'd be all used up and I'd end up in the hospital for an aneurysm or a heart attack or something. This isn't just about Pietro. Okay, yeah, sure, maybe it is. But see the thing is, if you really think about it, Pietro wouldn't have to be dead if it weren't for me._

 _Tony and Bruce made Ultron, but it sure as hell wasn't their fault because they thought they were doing what was best for the world so they can finally retire the Avengers and give us the eternity-long break we deserve._

 _It wasn't Clint's fault too. He was trying to protect the child by sacrificing himself._

 _It wasn't Pietro's fault either. He ran to to Clint on impulse because he can._

 _No, the whole stupid thing was my fault. My codename's Reaper, for crying out loud! I have the ability to heal any injury or even bring back a soul that is on the brink of death._

 _Jesus Christ, Peter, you didn't see his face. He was looking straight at me when he said his catchphrase. Those goddamn words..._

 _I really tried, Pete. I was practically already pulling his soul back to his physical body. But all those tests and experiments Hydra did on him... his soul was so damaged from it all. I was holding his soul, his hand..._

 _He slipped._

 _If I was just strong enough, he wouldn't have fallen._

 _Clint slapped me the other day. He had had enough. He told me that I'm being selfish; that I wasn't the only one who lost him that day, that I'm not the only one who has to live with his death, that his sister has to live with it too._

 _Oh my god, Wanda. I can't even begin to fathom what she must be feeling. Her only family died because I was so stupid that day. Christ, she can't even look at me. Hell, none of the others can look at me albeit without the whole she's-gonna-break-any-moment-take-it-easy-guyslook. Even you look at me like that whenever we Skype for like five minutes before you're whisked away to your next class and not call for the next month because you're oh-so-busy._

 _The others are more forgiving than Clint, but I think I'm wearing their patience down. Steve and Nat avoids me now, the former ordering me to take more breaks and to stay home during missions while the latter just kinda looks down on me, disappointed. Bruce says he's just giving me space. FRIDAY told me Tony's just upgrading my suit or some other bullshit. Thor's MIA with Jane somewhere. Wanda's mostly on her own with the Android guy who used to be JARVIS. Sam has his own place somewhere here in New York so I don't see him. The real Peter's in England with Gwen to get their science degrees. Clint just up and left altogether._

 _Pete, if it weren't for me, Pietro wouldn't have died._

 _He would NOT have died._

 _DO YOU HEAR ME, PETE?_

 _WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I EVEN TALK TO MY BEST FRIEND? INSTEAD, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? WRITING IN A GODDAMN NOTEBOOK PRETENDING IT'S YOU._

 _Pietro wouldn't have died. He would still be here, move in the tower with the rest of us. He'd be running around the tower messing with us. Man, he and Clint would have made a terrible duo. Imagine all the pranks they'd pull on us?_

 _He'd wear out all his shoes, driving Tony insane until it would make the old man actually invent a pair of friction-proof shoes. That'd be so dope though._

 _Could he run on water?_

 _Again, that would be so dope._

 _Fuck, Peter. I wouldn't be sitting here, pondering on theories if I wasn't so weak, if my grip on his soul didn't slip between my fingers._

 _I'd probably be at the pool with Pietro, forcing him to run on water for my amusement (and science, sure)._

 _Nah, we weren't close. The prick was probably the most annoying smart mouth I had to deal with, next to you, Clint and Tony. But he was a genuine guy; have you seen him and his sister? It was so obvious how much they loved each other and how much they needed each other._

 _And I just had to fuck that up._

 _Ultron's been gone. He's been gone for a while now. And that's thanks to the combined efforts of the individual units of our team, specifically the newbies Wanda and Vision._

 _Shouldn't I feel safe? Relieved even?_

 _That's what my actual therapist (not Bruce) tells me. But I can't. There's no relief or safety or anything at all. I can't do anything about it because Clint is right._

 _I am selfish._

 _Pete, I let a man die. A good man._

 _Do you know what that does to you? Watching someone else die when you could have prevented it?_

 _Fuck. Sorry. Yeah. I guess you do know that feeling._

 _Dammit, Peter! I wish you were here! You'd know what to tell me!_

 _Wow, I guess Bruce is kind of right. It did help to get this out my system. I'm just glad my first diary entry's my last._

 _Ha, I can here you already shouting, "what the hell?"_

 _I just have to make things right, okay? Besides, the team doesn't need Reaper anymore. You're all doing great without me, without my abilities. We're getting new recruits anyway._

 _I think it'd just be best, you know?_

 _Yeah, I'll set things right._

 _Love you, Pete._

 _Also, I wish you'd get your head out of your ass and just ask Gwen out._

 _Everyone on the team's been betting on when you do._

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	2. She Apologized

_Gwen._

 _Jesus, Gwen..._

 _By the time, I got here, she was already halfway gone._

 _I have no fucking idea what she did, but her torso was just... ripped to shreds. The blood, Jesus, it was everywhere._

 _By the time Bruce could get to her, she was screaming for Wanda. Every time Bruce, Steve or even I could get close to her, she'd cry out and scream for Wanda even more. When Wanda did come, she apologized so much._

 _Then the power just cut off._

 _And she was gone._

 _Then Wanda's brother was just there at the door._

 _For God's sake, Gwen, she's gone._

 _And none of us even noticed how long she'd been planning this._

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